If you haven't heard already, the Wall Street Journal published an article with the headline "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" which has generated much controversy. The article is an excerpt of a new book called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, a professor at Yale Law School and author of "Day of Empire" and "World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability." Chua's new book gives an account of what she believes are superior parenting tactics according to her strict Chinese upbringing.
As a 2nd generation Korean, I saw many similarities with my childhood in Chua’s article. However, I have come to a different conclusion from my past, so here are my top 3 reasons for “Why Asian Mothers Are NOT Superior.”
1. The word “superior.”
Some Asians tend to have a superiority complex. The fact that the whole essay is about superiority rubs me the wrong way. Is that what life’s all about- who’s better than the other person? I grew up being compared daily to other Asian kids all my life, and it bred nothing but perfectionism, egomania, self-loathing, and impatience for others. Why would I want to pass that down to my kids? Do I want to turn all my friendships into competitions to see who wins? No thanks.
2. The ends justify the means
No amount of shaming, manipulating, screaming, threatening, punishing, and comparing justifies the so-called “superior” status. So your kids end up as math whizzes and music prodigies, but what did you destroy during the process? An actual relationship with your child?
The “tiger mother” is focused on one thing alone: superiority. With that kind of obsession, there is no time for self-reflection or consideration of the child’s feelings. It will hopefully be forgotten during the 3-hour practice sessions and the effort to complete multiple worksheets to raise up the 97% score in every class.
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in having goals and being disciplined, but I constantly have to ask myself why I am doing what I’m doing. I do not want to be a crazy Asian mom who verbally abuses my kids to get them to perform and be my puppets. I already know that my kids have significance and value outside of myself, so I don’t need them to do anything to prove it.
3. All or nothing
In the Asian community, losing is getting 2nd place or a 99%, not 100%. For Westerners, that doesn’t even compute. How does it even make sense to try to be the best at everything? It is already a losing battle. There needs to be a safety net, not stress when things go wrong, which is inevitable. Getting a low grade or losing a competition sometimes even becomes a life or death issue, as seen through many Asian suicides in college. All thanks to this “superior” extremist way of life. I am determined to celebrate the process of learning and growing with my children, and I don’t care if Chua thinks I’m a softie.
I could go on and on, but basically, I think life is much more than trying to be superior. Too much focus on self makes an isolated caricature, not a human. At the end of my life, I don’t want to be known for the fact that I was superior; I want to be remembered for how much I loved others. I don’t think you have to be Asian to do that.