College Countdown: A Mother's Musings

In just a few days, our firstborn daughter Ellie will head to her freshman year at Baylor University in Waco, TX, double majoring in Cello Performance and Entrepreneurship. As we busily prepare for her departure from our home, I find myself going through random bursts of sadness, much like when I was actually pregnant with Ellie! My thoughts and feelings are a jumbled mess, I end up in tears doing the most mundane tasks like grocery shopping, and thus as always, I'm back to blogging as a cathartic way to deal with it all.

There are so many questions running through my mind. Is there a perfect way to say goodbye? Will she know how much she's loved and missed? How do you move from daily conversation to mostly texting and the occasional phone call? (And how did my parents deal with this issue before cell phones?!?!?) When do I cross the line of showing genuine care and concern to being an annoying helicopter mom? Have I done enough to prepare her to face the world? Will she be safe walking around campus? Who will be her new friends?

I still remember my first day of college at Northwestern University in the fall of 1993. Like Ellie, my parents lived relatively close by and from my perspective, it wasn't going to be a huge transition. I was excited to start this new adventure, and I really couldn't wait to redefine myself after my tumultuous high school years. I had written out my goals for college and was determined to fulfill every one. I went shopping for brand new clothes, purchased some fun things for my room, and was thrilled about the new technology called "email" that would allow me to stay in contact with friends. I met my roommate Keisha for the first time, a Jamaican model from Florida, and was relieved when we hit it off immediately. Once I was all moved in (and the ethernet connection was loudly chirping in confirmation), it was time to say goodbye to my parents. They teared up and I did too, but Keisha and I were headed to a dorm social event later that night so I tried not to let myself get too sad. Later that year, my mom told me how much she cried on the way home from dropping me off that day. I remember thinking, "Why? I was coming back to their church every Sunday to play the piano for service. What was there to miss?" Fast forward 26 years later, and here I am, finally able to empathize with my mom.

So why is the college countdown a big deal? Isn't she just 2.5 hours away? Honestly, I do feel a little foolish for being so emotional. But it's the reality that a huge chunk of history, 18 years, is coming to an abrupt close. Like the iconic Friends episode when Rachel moves out of Monica's apartment, simply put: "It's the end of an era." The precious little girl who grew up in our nest is leaving as a beautiful, independent woman. Of course I'm proud of the fine young lady she is, but there is no escaping the empty room when we come back home after dropping her off at Baylor. I'm sure I will sit on her bed and be somewhat pleased that the room is clean (finally!), but I know I'll strangely miss the mess, the sign of activity. No more piles of clay and color from her new accessories business. No more accumulating papers from school, or unfinished sketches on notepads. And the equilibrium will be off; dinner reservations out with the family will now be for 4, not 5. We won't hear Ellie's cello practicing anymore, and she won't be sitting at the kitchen table every day telling me about the things on her mind. I won't see all 3 girls chatting in Ellie's car after a midnight Sonic run for "sister time." Ellie will be forging a new life and new routines without us, and though it's only natural and to be expected, it's painful that I am no longer embedded as a daily part of the next chapter.

As a mother, it's not easy to juggle the extremes of joy and pain, gratitude and grief, laughter and tears, all at once. I'm flooded with memories of Ellie at different ages, from when I was literally the only source of sustenance she had on earth, to the many milestones we've celebrated. Mourning the loss of time is part of the process, and though it does mark the end of an era, it also ushers in a new one. What gives me comfort is that as Ellie has come into young adulthood, she has become a wonderful, sweet, and dear friend. She asks about my day, she wonders how I'm doing, she gets invested in the things I'm working on. We can talk about anything- from current events to politics to personal drama and everything in between. I love that new aspect of our relationship, and I'm hopeful it will only deepen with time. And we've already planned a special mom-daughter date in a few weeks to see John Mayer on tour, so there's something exciting for us to look forward to! (John's album "Room for Squares" came out when Ellie was just born; one of her first words was "Neon", so she's truly been a fan all her life!)

I will definitely miss having this girl at home with us, but I have to accept that it's no longer where she can stay. She needs to move on and venture out into the world, taking all the experiences of growing up in our household, whether good or bad, and making her own way. She's got to create her own mosaic of a life well lived, and it will be her journey to take. She knows I will always be her biggest fan and a safe place to fall when she needs me. So I'll put on a brave face when I say goodbye to her in a few days, and I hope someday she'll understand why I cried all the way home.

 

All Roads Lead To. . . Rockford, IL

Tonight was a difficult night. It was my Uncle John's memorial service, and our entire Suh family gathered from all over the United States to mourn his passing. Many tears were shed as we remembered his life and the impact he had. During the service, my cousin Steven (John's son) shared something that we all know to be true: if Uncle John had not boldly come from South Korea and settled in Rockford, IL, none of us would exist.

I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like to be in your 20's, heading to a foreign country, starting your own business, forging your way through school while having to learn a new language, and trying to convince your 6 brothers back in South Korea to join you. Yet Uncle John was determined, and as Steven shared, though he sometimes fell asleep on his way to work, he tirelessly pioneered a new path for his entire family. His restaurant, called "Uncle John's", was quickly becoming a huge success in Rockford, IL, well-known for its Swedish pancakes and innovative menu items. (Yes, a Korean restaurant owner making famous Swedish pancakes; Uncle John was always breaking conventions!)

You can still visit the restaurant in Rockford today!

My dad came next to the States to help Uncle John in the restaurant business. It was during one of his shifts as the manager that he met my mom,  a nurse who had come from South Korea on her own as well. She was living in Chicago at the time, but had come up to visit a friend who had moved to Rockford, and they chose to eat at the best place in town. The rest, as they say, is history.

My dad in front of Mary's Market, his first job in the States.

One by one, all the brothers came to join Uncle John in Rockford, IL to help with his wildly successful restaurant business, which had changed its name to "Aunt Mary's" and "Mary's Market." Eventually each brother got married and had children, with many of us cousins staying close to each other for years. Though we all started out in Rockford, IL, most everyone has moved to other parts of the country. We now have many Suh cousins, aunts, and uncles in California, Minnesota, Texas, New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Arizona, Colorado, and Indiana. And with the 3rd generation entering college (my daughter Ellie is the oldest in the 3rd generation), we will be even more spread out.

All the girl cousins

All the boy cousins

3rd Generation

Before the memorial service began, I had to smile when all the Suh brothers, without speaking a word to anyone, automatically sat in the front row together. The aunts filed into the 2nd row,  giving their husbands the space they needed, and the group of cousins took up the 3rd row. This is just the natural hierarchy of the Suh family; we define ourselves not only by each family unit, but according to the ranking order of the 7 Suh brothers. (Even the brothers refer to themselves as #1, #2, #3, etc. and the wives do as well.) There is a rare comfort that comes from this Asian tradition, one that we all readily accept and even celebrate.

As I sat in the pew during the service tonight, surrounded by my cousins and family, I cried not only tears of sorrow but also of joy and gratitude. I am thankful to Uncle John for the sacrifices he made to create a life in the States, and for the beautiful family that has grown from his American dream. There is so much love in this family, and it stemmed from the ability that John gave us to be together in the land of opportunity. Rest in peace, dear Uncle John. We will miss you.

Suh brothers: (L-R) Uncle Dave, Uncle Glenn, Uncle Tom, and my dad 

All the aunts and uncles