There are so many questions running through my mind. Is there a perfect way to say goodbye? Will she know how much she's loved and missed? How do you move from daily conversation to mostly texting and the occasional phone call? (And how did my parents deal with this issue before cell phones?!?!?) When do I cross the line of showing genuine care and concern to being an annoying helicopter mom? Have I done enough to prepare her to face the world? Will she be safe walking around campus? Who will be her new friends?
I still remember my first day of college at Northwestern University in the fall of 1993. Like Ellie, my parents lived relatively close by and from my perspective, it wasn't going to be a huge transition. I was excited to start this new adventure, and I really couldn't wait to redefine myself after my tumultuous high school years. I had written out my goals for college and was determined to fulfill every one. I went shopping for brand new clothes, purchased some fun things for my room, and was thrilled about the new technology called "email" that would allow me to stay in contact with friends. I met my roommate Keisha for the first time, a Jamaican model from Florida, and was relieved when we hit it off immediately. Once I was all moved in (and the ethernet connection was loudly chirping in confirmation), it was time to say goodbye to my parents. They teared up and I did too, but Keisha and I were headed to a dorm social event later that night so I tried not to let myself get too sad. Later that year, my mom told me how much she cried on the way home from dropping me off that day. I remember thinking, "Why? I was coming back to their church every Sunday to play the piano for service. What was there to miss?" Fast forward 26 years later, and here I am, finally able to empathize with my mom.
So why is the college countdown a big deal? Isn't she just 2.5 hours away? Honestly, I do feel a little foolish for being so emotional. But it's the reality that a huge chunk of history, 18 years, is coming to an abrupt close. Like the iconic Friends episode when Rachel moves out of Monica's apartment, simply put: "It's the end of an era." The precious little girl who grew up in our nest is leaving as a beautiful, independent woman. Of course I'm proud of the fine young lady she is, but there is no escaping the empty room when we come back home after dropping her off at Baylor. I'm sure I will sit on her bed and be somewhat pleased that the room is clean (finally!), but I know I'll strangely miss the mess, the sign of activity. No more piles of clay and color from her new accessories business. No more accumulating papers from school, or unfinished sketches on notepads. And the equilibrium will be off; dinner reservations out with the family will now be for 4, not 5. We won't hear Ellie's cello practicing anymore, and she won't be sitting at the kitchen table every day telling me about the things on her mind. I won't see all 3 girls chatting in Ellie's car after a midnight Sonic run for "sister time." Ellie will be forging a new life and new routines without us, and though it's only natural and to be expected, it's painful that I am no longer embedded as a daily part of the next chapter.
As a mother, it's not easy to juggle the extremes of joy and pain, gratitude and grief, laughter and tears, all at once. I'm flooded with memories of Ellie at different ages, from when I was literally the only source of sustenance she had on earth, to the many milestones we've celebrated. Mourning the loss of time is part of the process, and though it does mark the end of an era, it also ushers in a new one. What gives me comfort is that as Ellie has come into young adulthood, she has become a wonderful, sweet, and dear friend. She asks about my day, she wonders how I'm doing, she gets invested in the things I'm working on. We can talk about anything- from current events to politics to personal drama and everything in between. I love that new aspect of our relationship, and I'm hopeful it will only deepen with time. And we've already planned a special mom-daughter date in a few weeks to see John Mayer on tour, so there's something exciting for us to look forward to! (John's album "Room for Squares" came out when Ellie was just born; one of her first words was "Neon", so she's truly been a fan all her life!)
I will definitely miss having this girl at home with us, but I have to accept that it's no longer where she can stay. She needs to move on and venture out into the world, taking all the experiences of growing up in our household, whether good or bad, and making her own way. She's got to create her own mosaic of a life well lived, and it will be her journey to take. She knows I will always be her biggest fan and a safe place to fall when she needs me. So I'll put on a brave face when I say goodbye to her in a few days, and I hope someday she'll understand why I cried all the way home.
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